


Park the Car in Aardvark Yard

by bloodredsparrow



Series: The Duke of Vermeer [1]
Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Art, Blindfolds, Formalwear, Frottage, Gags, Haberzackary, Improvisation, Improvised Sex Toys, Light Bondage, M/M, NSFW Art, Orgasm Denial, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Semi-Public Sex, Tie Kink, the duke of vermeer, the duke of vermeer caper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24152335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodredsparrow/pseuds/bloodredsparrow
Summary: Playing as 'The Duke' is hard enough, let alone with a certain courier judging his every move. But when Countess Cleo sends Dash Haber ahead of time to check on the Vermeer collection, Zack only has one option: improvise.
Relationships: Countess Cleo/Zack (Carmen Sandiego), Dash Haber/Zack, Ivy & Zack (Carmen Sandiego)
Series: The Duke of Vermeer [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742959
Comments: 13
Kudos: 129





	Park the Car in Aardvark Yard

**Author's Note:**

> (Based off of Haberzackary fanart by KactusKid18 on Tumblr.)  
> https://kactuskid18.tumblr.com/post/617918370374909952/another-haberzackary-freebie-its-super-tame-and  
> I've never written pwp/smut before so feel free to tell me what you think! This ship needs more attention.

Caviar.

God, why did it have to be caviar?

Zack stared at his bowl.

The little black eggs just seemed so... slimy. Why in the hell would anyone eat these on purpose? Why in the hell did he have to open that door? Carmen probably liked caviar. Carmen probably wouldn't puke if she had to... eat it. He felt his stomach turn.

Dash Haber's glare from across the table twisted into a smug grin at his discomfort. "What's the matter, Duke?" He asked, disdain barely hidden behind his even tone. "Not a fan?" Zack watched as he lifted a heaping spoonful of caviar up to his mouth and began to chew. Gross. He's totally doing it on purpose. Zack could feel Countess Cleo's stare on him. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, but she didn't say anything.

"Erm - I - I, in fact, love delicious, tiny, black non-chicken eggs that don't taste anything like chicken," he managed, British accent wavering. Park the car in aardvark yard. Park the car in aardvark yard! He steeled himself and shoved a spoon of the caviar into his mouth, grimacing. It was disgusting. Why, god, why did rich people love torturing themselves? But, to his own surprise, he managed to gulp it down. Gagging inwardly, he met Dash's gaze. He was absolutely livid. _That'll show you,_ Zack thought to himself. _Asshole._

Cleo seemed satisfied with this. She set her spoon down with an air of grace, and turned to Dash. He immediately perked up. __What a tool.__ "Haber, why don't you run down to the collection room? I'd like you to take another last look at them to make sure they're in... top condition." Zack froze _. _Now?__

Like clockwork, he heard Player tap into his earpiece with a soft hiss of static. "They're sending Haber down to check on thing, Red. Hurry!"

"What? Now?! We're not done!" Carmen fizzled in too, tinny through the receiver. "Zack, you need to buy us some more time."

"Can't we just knock him out when he gets here? He's not exactly built." Zack heard Ivy ask in the background.

Carmen made a frustrated noise. "Knowing the Countess, she probably gave Haber some sort of portable danger alert system. She'd have security on us in an instant." She paused. "No, we need to be... delicate."

"My bro's the opposite of delicate."

Zack fought the urge to bite back. __I can be delicate,__ he retorted silently. __I just ate fish eggs. That's pretty damn delicate. Shut up, Ivy._ _

Haber pushed his chair back to leave. The window of action was starting to close. Zack felt his palms start to sweat as panic began to set in. His gaze darted around the room, looking for something, anything he could use. They landed on the caviar.

The caviar.

"Wait!"

Time seemed to stand still. All eyes in the banquet room turned to stare at him. Countess Cleo's hand shifted underneath the table, most likely poised above a security button. "Is there something you would like to say, my Duke?"

Zack gulped. "I - er - um -" "Anytime now, duke," Dash Haber's voice cut clean through the panic, sounding absolutely annoyed and absolutely delighted. "I need to go to the bathroom," Zack blurted out. "I'm... ah... allergic to fish."

Silence. "...You're allergic to fish?" Cleo inquired, eyebrows raised. "Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Really, bro?! That's what you're going with?" Ivy whispered fiercely.

"I didn't want to ruin such a lovely meal," he lied. Dash was still staring at him, incredulous. The Countess sighed, rubbing her temples.

"Just... go. Haber, show him the bathroom while you're at it." She obviously had a soft spot for the Duke, but... Zack didn't want to think about that. He got up slowly, pretending to be sick - which, honestly, wasn't too hard a task considering what he just had to eat. He followed Dash to the door, but once they had closed behind him, Dash whirled around to face him, glaring.

"I don't know what you're up to," he murmured, "but I don't like it. No funny business." Zack nodded, and they headed down the hall.

"Looks like he's exited the dining hall," Player said over the line. "How are we doing over there, Red?"

"We still need more time. This is a tricky security system, and we can't get sloppy under any circumstances," Said Carmen. "Zack, ten more minutes. Do what you can."

They stopped halfway down the corridor. Dash gestured at a door to the left. "Here's the bathroom... duke." He turned to leave. Zack panicked, and before he knew it, he was pinning Dash against the wall.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"I... I - uh -"

"I knew you were too perfect to be true," Dash spat. "Who are you working for? Carmen SanDiego?" He tried to push him off, but Zack was stronger than he looked. "Let me go, or I start making noise."

Zack grabbed the lapel of Dash's trenchcoat and pulled the taller man down to eye level. "Don't."

Dash tugged at his arms to no avail. "What do you want?!"

"Zack, what's going on out there?" Carmen demanded. He needed to keep Dash busy for the next ten minutes. His brain scrambled for an answer - what the hell could he do?!

Ah, well. To hell with thinking.

"This," he breathed, and he pulled Dash into a crushing kiss.

"Mmph!" Dash pulled on his suit jacket, arms flailing before Zack captured his wrists and pinned them against the wall. _Nine more minutes. _C'mon, Carm, hurry._ _

But when he chanced to look again, Dash's eyes had closed, and he was kissing back. Zack moved his hands to behind Dash's head, gently grasping his hair and pulling his head back to deepen the kiss.

"Nh- what -" Dash moaned, breath hitching as Zack's other hand trailed along his arm to begin roaming his chest, tracing over the mother of pearl buttons on his dress shirt. His coat began to slip off his shoulders. Dash grasped Zack's thicker ones, wrinkling the fabric of his suit - basic business cloth, nowhere near one hundred percent wool, how strange for a noble - he noted faintly, but the thought was driven from his mind as fast as it came when Zack moved down form his lips to attack his jawline. He let out an undignified high pitched whimper. Zack let out a laugh, breath tickling the sensitive area of his neck.

"Shh, quiet."

"Wh... why should - hghh - I be?" Dash retorted weakly, barely suppressing a groan as Zack began to unbutton his shirt.

Zack racked his mind for an excuse. "Because... because we wouldn't want the Countess to see you in such a state, now, would we?" Dash groaned again at that, fingers tightening around Zack's shoulders. Zack began to make his way down Dash's neck, suckling and biting as he went, making sure to leave a mark. "Oh, or maybe we would."

_So Haber was into that kinda thing, huh? He could work with that._

"Zack? Zack?! Hellooo? Player, is he okay?" He could hear Ivy over the earpiece and thanked whatever deity there was out there that she hadn't thought to give herself a communicator as well.

"Zack's... fine. Let's hurry. Can you give us five more minutes?" Carmen muttered, sounding like she wished she was anywhere but there.

 _ _Sorry, Carm,__ Zack thought. He gave a grunt of affirmation, and pulled away from Dash's collarbone to look at him.

The man was a mess, practically melting against the cold stone wall of Countess Cleo's chateau. The dim green lighting of the hallway cast a haunting glow over Dash's face, but the dark blush on his cheeks and the wetness on his bruised, parted lips were still very visible. His hair, normally smoothed down into an elegant swoop, was sticking up in all sorts of odd angles, hat abandoned somewhere on the hallway floor. His coat had slipped off of his right shoulder, and his dress shirt was unbuttoned and parted to the side to display lithe chest - thin, but muscular from years of working for VILE. Zack let his gaze fall to the purple marks beginning to form on Dash's neck, which raised slightly as the taller man gulped when he noticed how intently Zack was staring at him. He was loath to admit it, but Dash Haber was beautiful.

Especially like this.

Being on the road with Carmen and the team meant he never really had the chance to do anything like this - a life of crime and 'un-crime' meant little time for breakaways. From the way Dash was pushing up against him, he was the same.

"Duke," Dash murmured with laboured breath, grip tightening. Zack held him firmly against the hallway.

"Haber," he growled, tip of his nose brushing against Dash's trembling jawline.

"Auhf...fhk," Dash moaned unintelligibly, fingers curling into Zack's collar. 

"Do you want this?" Zack asked in a gentler tone - well, as gentle as he could be, barely hidden want straining against his patience. "Do you want me?"

"U-umngh," Dash blinked slowly, as if seeing through a curtain of steam. "Yes," he whispered, barely. "Yes, please, Duke, ple- please."

Wow, that must have hurt his pride. __How do you like me now, huh, Haber?__

Zack pushed Dash harder against the wall this time, pinning his wrists above his head again and moving his knee between Dash's legs, which parted with no resistance. 

"Mnh!" Dash was biting down on the collar of his trench coat to keep himself quiet, the fabric muffling his noises as Zack began to move his knee up higher, pressing firmly against the front of his pants. Dash bucked up against him, head thumping back against the wall. Zack took this as a chance to bury his face into the other side of Dash's neck, nipping at his earlobe, the cut black diamond earring Dash wore cool against his lips. 

The earpiece crackled to life again. "Zack, we're done. We need to leave, _now,_ before Countess Cleo realises her collection is missing..." Carmen paused. "... and her assistant."

Zack had latched onto Dash's clavicle area, his clothed chest pressed flush against Zack's bare one, leaving a trail of marks down the length of his neck. Dash's eyes were squeezed shut, breathing deep, fast breaths. He could feel his heart hammering, trails of sweat dripping down his body and disappearing into the black fabric of his pants. Zack tightened his grip on Dash's wrists, letting him push against him at his own rhythm, soft, barely concealed mewls tumbling from his loosely parted mouth.

"You're close?" Zack murmured softly, pushing his knee even further up the hall and leaning harder into Dash's body until the taller man was nearly balancing off of him, standing on one shaking leg while the other tried to seek purchase against the wall. 

"Yes!" Dash and Carmen said at the same time, Dash with a whispered ferocity, Carmen with exasperation through the speaker.

There was a pause. "You weren't talking to me, were you?"

Before Zack could give some sort of answer, Dash began to speed up his rhythm, hips shooting back and forth in unhidden desperation, moans reduced to whimpers through gritted teeth. Zack wanted nothing more than to stay for just a few minutes longer; he wanted to look into Dash Haber's eyes as he completely unravelled beneath him. But Carmen was right. He needed an out. 

God must've been watching him (ew), because moments later, he could hear the Countess coming down the hall, her sharp heels clicking against the smooth marble floors, muttering something about some _'boorish french police officer with a troll's sense of fashion'_. 

"Haber? Haber! Where the hell did that useless assistant go? I swear to god, do I have to do everything myself?" 

Dash froze abruptly underneath him, hips coming to a jarring halt as his breath caught in his throat, a low moan building in his chest, threatening to come out. Zack's grip loosened slightly, fingers sliding up to lace themselves between Dash's. He pushed himself up to face Dash, causing him to bite his coat collar again to stop any noise from leaving his lips. 

"Don't make a sound." 

Without a warning, he pushed Dash through the door into a barely lit bathroom and into the closest stall, pinning him again against the wall. 

"I n-nnh- I need to go," Dash whispered as Zack continued to rut against him, taking Dash's silk tie and wrapping it around his head, blindfolding him. "Duke -" 

Zack paused. "Sorry, love," He mustered, not meeting his eyes. "This has been fun, but business calls."

"What?"

Without any warning, Zack pushed Dash back onto the toilet seat. With a grunt of effort, he tore the sleeve off of his suit jacket and caught Zack's wrists again, and, knee still pressing down between Dash's legs to discourage him from kicking, used it to tie his arms behind his back and looped it around the toilet pipe, effectively binding him to where he sat. 

"What the he - mph!" His shout was drowned out by another kiss from Zack, and this time, Zack couldn't tell whether he had done that out of spite, out of duty to the mission, or because of something else. He didn't have time to wonder about it. In the split second after he broke away, he stuffed the band of his bowtie (clip-on, of course, what else?) into Dash's mouth, looping it around and clipping it in place to create a makeshift gag. He tugged on it, making sure it was tight, before stepping away. 

Dash's hazy confusion turned into realisation, and Zack felt himself wilt under the other man's glare. 

"I really do apologise. I hate to leave you like this, but..." He looked away to avoid the temptation. Carmen's voice was loud in his ear, telling him to hurry it up. "Time really is of the essence." 

Dash looked almost hurt at this, letting out a sob of arousal, straining against his pants as he struggled against his bindings. "Mnghh - nhh - anhh -" 

Zack stepped back out into the hallway, closing the door on Dash as he let out a desperate shout, lurching forward with wild eyes. Countess Cleo was nowhere to be seen. 

"Hey, Carm," He said finally.

"Zack! Jesus!"

"Where do I go?" He asked quietly. The shuffling noise from inside the bathroom continued, coupled with a couple more muffled, begging whines. 

"... Third door to the left on the north side. You can't miss it. Hurry up - Countess Cleo hasn't reached the vault yet, but once she does, it'll be impossible to leave." 

* * *

Within a minute, Zack was jumping down from the chateau window and into a bank of snow, where Carmen and Ivy were waiting with the getaway vehicle. 

"Carm - " Zack started, face flushing. 

"Yeah, save it." Carmen shepherded him into the passenger seat as Ivy stuck the keys in the ignition. 

Zack buried his face in his hands. "Can please we pretend like that didn't happen?"

"Consider it done." Carmen grimaced. "And, uh, for future reference, Ivy, can we implement a 'mute' option into the communicators?" 

Ivy looked at her through the backview mirror as they sped down the road, away from Countess Cleo's chateau. "Do I wanna know why?"

"No!" Zack and Carmen exclaimed at the same time, nearly sending the car swerving on the ice. 

"... Okay, noted. I like my brain unscarred, so I ain't gonna ask."

Carmen turned to Zack with an expression that looked like a mixture of seasickness and laughter. "You'd better _pray_ that Player didn't hear any of that." 

"Luckily for me, _I_ can just mute my audio feed." Player's voice came in through the car speakers. "Can't say the same about you." 

Carmen pushed an annoyed breath through her front teeth. "So unfair." 

"So, where to next, Carm?" Ivy asked loudly, changing the subject. Carmen looked at her gratefully. 

"Sydney, Australia."

"Australia?" Ivy let out a relieved laugh. "I could use a little sun. Eh, bro?" 

"Mmh. Yeah." 

Zack slumped back into his seat, closing his eyes and trying to think of anything but Dash. Images of the other man flooded his mind's eye, and he groaned in frustration. 

He was going to have some weird dreams tonight. 


End file.
